We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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