We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
