everyone is single if you try hard enough
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
