I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
