Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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