I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
