if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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