I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
