Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
