i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
