after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you inspire me to be a worse person
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
