new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
