Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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