my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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