when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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