In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
