i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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