Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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