I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
