I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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