Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
