i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
