I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You've changed since you got that strap on
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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