It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
