I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
