so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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