I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
