the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
