She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
