never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
