I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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