her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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