this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
