Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
