Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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