she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
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I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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