Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
