I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
