Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
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I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
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Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.