Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
