how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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