You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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