Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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