I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All the doctor said was why
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe