The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
