so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
