I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
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I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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