The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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