Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ladies don't puke and tell
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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