i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
