im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
