Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
