haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
